on the outside looking in...

why am i so stupid to think everything will be okay in the end? WHY? "you'll find the answer if you let it go. give yourself some time to falter, but don't forgo knowing that you're loved no matter what. and everything will come around in time..." falser words were never sung. i have been listening to "Perfect Girl" over and over, trying to will the words to become true, but to no avail. i am NOT loved no matter what, and everything WILL NOT come around in time. such pretty, pretty lies.

i officially hate neuroscience. after realising yesterday that i had a test TODAY in neuropharmacology, i had to pull an all-nighter with the help of Val, who whipped me into concentrating, Rob, who rolled a cigarette for me, and Nathan, who was comic relief and kept me the fuck awake. i was crazy giddy and yammering on at about a billion miles an hour by breakfast, particularly focused on GABAbababas and GABAgabahey heys. when i got to the Humanities Auditorium, i was five minutes late, as per usual, and my head was spinning in all sorts of crazy ways. i was so frazzled that it took me another two minutes to find my pencil, panicking all the while. when i finally looked at the test, i thought, "HOLY SHIT...i've seen all these questions before, but i can't remember the answers for half of them..." mind you, the test questions are taken straight from our study guide, which had a shitload of questions that we were all required to know thoroughly. my mind was on auto-scatter the ENTIRE time, and i actually fell asleep a few times as i was writing. somehow, i was able to answer everything on the test, even though i was the last person in the auditorium when i finished. we'll just see what happens when i get it back...

latin was the next test of the day. i was as prepared as i was ever going to be, which was not very. i was seriously contemplating not going to class because i had been so drained. i had had no sleep for the past 24 hours, and i had been unaided by caffeine for the past 10. when i finally arrived in class, NO ONE was in the classroom. does this remind you of neuropharm? making the trek to my professor's office, when i knocked, no one was there. giving up, i trudged back to my room and emailed her, wondering what was going on. she emailed back saying that they had been in the room for a while and then went to some garden for class. i also got an email from my language lab boss stating that it was imperative that i speak to her before i went to work tonight. i was so distraught that i thought it probably would be best if i just went to sleep...maybe everything would disappear when i woke up. i didn't even care about missing my third class. genji, the fool, had to call on the cell and wake me up to go to dinner. when i got to dinner, i tried to put on my best "tired but happy" face and greeted some kids at the table where i usually sit. and what was the response? you guessed it...NOTHING. not even a glance in my direction. i tried not to think too much about it, just got some food and sat down. after a few minutes, one kid asked me why i was so quiet. WTF? i said hi to you a few minutes ago, dumbass. the ball was in your court and you didn't bother to return. the facade fell away to reveal my anger in all her glory. when genji sat down at the table, he "asked" to borrow my knife...meaning that he took it and asked afterwards. i thought, "whatever, i don't need it..." OH, but i did. when i went to get another knife, there were none left. something in me just snapped...frustration hit the critical point. genji offered my knife back, but it couldn't be rectified. i silently ate and left without a word.

when i went back to my dorm, i called my boss as i was told to do. of course she had to ask if i worked yesterday. NO, I DID NOT WORK YESTERDAY BECAUSE I HAD TO STUDY FOR A TEST WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR AN HOUR. I WOULD RATHER HAVE $7.40 LESS IN MY POCKET THAN FAILING A NEURO TEST. but of course i couldn't tell her this. i hate that stupid job. going to sleep did nothing for the situation because when i woke up, i still had to go to work.

everything is crashing down on me. i'm just wating for the fatal blow.

"heaven bend to take my hand, i've nowhere left to turn. i'm lost to those i thought were friends, to everyone i know. oh, they turn their heads embarrassed, pretend that they don't see that it's one missed step one slip before you know it. and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed...though i've tried, i've fallen. i have sunk so low. i've messed up, better i should know, so don't come 'round here and tell me i told you so..."

Sarah, ah, Sarah. Ms. McLachlan was on Jay Leno tonight, and sang "Fallen" with nothing but her voice and her piano. it was definitely an amazing end to an amazing night.

holy shit...a thunderstorm! in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA! WOO. we had mad lightning on campus, and in Compton, about 40 minutes away, there was standing water waist deep in the streets. WAIST DEEP. cars were stuck, power had gone out in come places, and firefighters had to rescue people from their cars. it rained up to 2.6 INCHES per hour, and approx. 9 inches had fallen in the past five hours. LAX had to halt incoming AND outgoing flights because of the torrential downpour. there was even talk of a possible tornado in some areas. but the rain to me was so beautiful, so oddly calming...i didn't really want it to end.

and open mic at the Grove House was a great de-stresser for me. the atmosphere was unbelievably friendly. it totally didn't matter if one fucked up hardcore because no one there was about to deride him or her. one guy, Conor, stood up to recite a poem and had gotten through two lines when he blanked. he paced around, trying to remember the rest. after about a minute, he sat back down, while everyone empathised and clapped. about five minutes later, he stood up on the makeshift table (a water cooler) and began again...and unfortunately forgot again. then this other kid got up and started playing the lute, and Conor found his inspiration. after the performance, Conor told lute boy to keep playing as he recited, and the poem ended up being one of the better ones of the night. this other girl, Rachel, the sweetest space cadet EVER, "sang" a few times about whatever popped into her head. her "singing" entailed alternating between putting whatever happened in her life that day to a melody and just speaking until she was out of words with which to express herself. it was really great to listen to. the funny thing was, i never knew she improvised each time until tonight. and this one kid, Jesse, started freestyling, and all of a sudden, it turned into a huge jam session that didn't end for about 15 minutes. Jesse was rapping, Conor was playing the guitar, another kid was playing the lute (the LUTE of all things...), others were harmonising, a few were dancing, and everyone was clapping or drumming on the floor. the night ended with Jesse rapping to a slower tempo (kid is a CRAZY poet), and then others just singing to the guitar chords. the mantra of the night was, "but it's okay." when anyone sang and fucked up, they kept singing, "but it's okay." and for the first time in a VERY LONG time, i truly felt it was okay.

eh? today i woke up all early to make my neuropharmacology class on time and had prepared "extensively" for said class. i got there at 9:37 and people were sitting on the lawn of Scripps. apparently there had been some evacuation in the faculty building because smoke was detected. when i reached the lecture hall, i tried to open the door, only to realise it was locked. by chance i happened upon a woman who had all the schedules for the classes at Scripps and she graciously opened the auditorium door for me...and it was dark. absolutely no one was inside. i wondered if i had forgotten that class was to be somewhere else...and then another kid from my module walked over. i told him that the door was locked and it was dark inside. we spent a bit of time wandering the Humanities courtyard, trying to find someone we both recognised. i decided to call a girl who was also in our class. twice the phone cut off, and the third time, the phone rang contiunously until i got fed up. in desparation, we walked back to the science center and meandered through the basement where all the neuroscience classes were housed. nothing. we found a professor and walked back to the Humanities Auditorium, thinking that our peers might have trickled in. no one was around. i, perplexed and frustrated, just trudged back to my dorm, cursing myself for waking up so early. i wonder what will happen next today...

despite my raging headache, i am in a heightened state of bliss. i have had the amazing Ms. M's new CD, Afterglow, for the past three days, and it is perfection. i am actually glad she waited those six years to come out with another studio album. there is not one song that i would skip on this CD. the weirdest thing is, is sounds as if she just picked up where she left off, as if there were no hiatus between Surfacing and Afterglow at all. everyone must buy it.

to make things even better, there was an acoustic band at the Grove House last night, and they just had this wonderfully positive energy. this one girl, Miri, just got up and started dancing, not caring who was watching her at all. in about two minutes, 3/4 of the kids in the House were up and dancing along. great dancers, atrocious dancers, mediocre dancers...it didn't matter. some kids were invited up to the mic randomly to harmonise while the band played in the background. this went on for seriously ten minutes. it was the pinnacle of beauty. i wish i could have that everyday.

and about XELA? i have no chance in hell. and you know what? i couldn't care less. :)

FUCK BLOGGER. I JUST FUCKING LOST MY POST. FUCK IT ALL. I HATE CLASS, I HATE SCHOOL, AND IF YOU'RE READING THIS POST, I PROBABLY HATE YOU TOO. FUCK YOU.