on the outside looking in...

AHHHHHH...just when i thought things were turning up, everything comes crashing back down again. I HATE SCHOOL. i just learned that my neuroscience prof. never received my lab report...that was 50 FUCKING PERCENT OF THE MODULE...SHIT. and this is the prerequisite for all the other neuroscience classes. if i fail this, i'm fucked. i might as well just quit and rely on game shows for income with all the useless trivia i know. and another lab that was to be pieced together via email got fucked...no one received my sections until 4:50 PM EVEN THOUGH I SENT IT BEFOREHAND, and i only got one other person's section to edit. mind you this lab was due at 5 PM. by some stroke of luck, it was turned in. email sucks for labs.

my roomie and her little friends went clubbing tonight. guess how i found out? by some kid knocking on the door asking, "is china there? tell her we're about to leave soon." story of my life, ne? all day, i hear, "where's china? where's china? where's china? is china there?" SHE ISN'T FUCKING HERE, SO DON'T ASK. it's happened so often that i've turned it into a half-hearted joke that no one knows is NOT FUNNY AT ALL. when is anyone actually gonna knock on this door looking for me? selfish, i know, but I DON'T FUCKING CARE. currently, there is a sign on the door saying, "China is NOT here, so don't ask." no one's knocked since. and speaking of disrespect, i was trying to watch the movie Heavenly Creatures in peace (i just bought the uncut New Zealand version. 19 more minutes of film! yay!). the lights were turned off and i had just pushed play on the computer. Five minutes into the movie, who the fuck comes waltzing in, loud as all hell? you guessed it. my roommate. to make things worse, she turned on two of the lights in the room and was laughing and carrying on, completely ignoring the fact that i was BLATANTLY AT THE COMPUTER WATCHING A DVD. then she left, with the door WIDE OPEN. calmly, i paused the DVD, turned the lights off, and shut the door. and who came back like 6 more times doing the same fucking thing? of course, of course, china, the ever-popular roommate. the funny thing is, she's the one who preaches like a Baptist minister about respect. after the third time, i gave up trying to turn off the lights. the other kids from across the hall came in as well, making noise and being downright obnoxious. i have been to their rooms while they were watching movies. i have never ONCE done anything to bother them. i have even let them borrow my computer for the same purpose, and actually having some semblance of respect, did my work, slept, or left the room to let them enjoy in peace. oh, and it gets better. about halfway into the movie, after making so much racket, my roomie decides that she wants to sleep. that's when the lights need to be off all of a sudden. but there was NO WAY IN HELL i was stopping that movie. the sound was just as loud until the end. i tried to be as respectful as i could in all aspects known to me, but fuck that shit. IT'S ON NOW.

btw, Chicago kicked much ass. Genji and i stayed up all hours of the night, as per the norm, chilled with his brother and sister-in-law, and ate AMAZING food. it just sucks that i had to come back to this. but what am i saying? i always come back to this. there is nothing for me BUT this.

oh whitney, how i empathise...3:4fucking6 AM. SHIT. not a good time for a fire. and then the other stuff...it just snowballs, yeah? only us, whitney, only us.

i feel even shittier now...while talking to Genji at 3 AM like i always do, he informed me that the XELA crew was trying to be nice to me at BETSY'S HOUSE and even said hi...but of course, since i was in such a HORRID mood, i didn't hear anything. and also, since i had absolutely NOTHING to say in the way of conversation, i just sat, sullen, and picked at my food. this is the second time in three days that i have been an asshole to them...ARGH. and when i thought that they were being weird towards me...i was probably being the psycho.

i officially hate my life. i never had a chance with XELA anyway...why did i ever think i was any good? FUCK THIS...i'm swearing off people forever. my music and i get along beautifully. it has never failed me...

"i cant seem to get me from the floor. looks like another night of insecurity, killing me. spinning rooms, filled with stupid lights, and my empty stomach and my empty head. i can't seem to get through this night...and when i cry too much it's 'cause of you--the art of a lie. and when i hear your voice i think i'm through. my throat may catch fire..."
Del Cielo--"Reaction #1"

i will be listening to them a lot tonight...

things have gotten even worse...i was walking outside when i saw XELA and some other kid just sitting near the doors. XELA actually greeted me (my first acknowledgement of the day at fucking 9 PM) but i was already in a terrible state, and i fear i was a bit curt in response. i didn't say much, but my voice wasn't the most friendly. i didn't even crack a smile. i wanted to apologise, but calling XELA on the phone for that just seems weird and creepy to me...i'll just have to do it in person. i had just put in $5 on my laundry card last week and lent it to my roommate because she had lost hers. so when i went to the laundry room and inserted my card, what was left? $0.50. 50 fucking cents. not even enough to wash one load of laundry, let alone two. i had to go to the Mead Hall lobby to add more cash to my card. of course when i arrived, i forgot i needed my ID card to open the door and looked like a jackass trying to wrench the door open. somehow it clicked in my brain to actually USE THE CARD, and i swiped it to unlock the door, never knowing that someone was behind me, probably thinking me a complete idiot. when i got to the machines, i stupidly inserted my card into the machines that only adds cash via credit cards and had a hell of a time getting it back. i finally put my card into the RIGHT machine and figured, "hey, since i don't need to put in $5 again, i should probably put in $3 and add more as needed." great idea except that it DOESN'T ACCEPT ONE DOLLAR BILLS. i was so pissed that i just shoved in $5 and snatched my card. i went back to my hall and put my clothes in the wash. when they were done i transferred them to the dryer. when i returned about an hour later, i came to grab my clothes out of the two dryers. peaceful, mundane ending, yeah? OF COURSE NOT. the first dryer didn't even dry my laundry. and the dryer not only did NOT dry my laundry, the load came out smelling of beer. i had to waste another $1.25 rewashing my clothes. you think this is over, ne? never...

now i've gone and gotten myself into a lovely online spar session with another freshman, one whom i did consider my "friend." (note that i use that term quite loosely.) it was partly justified, but i do admit i took it a little too far. oh well...served my purposes. i feel much better now. it was quite well-orchestrated on my part, i must say...and the evil side emerges.

"do like i told you, stay away from me. never misunderstand me, keep away from me..."
Godsmack--"Keep Away"

don't get too close, or you WILL get burned. maybe that's the way it was meant to be.

great. now NO ONE is talking to me. it's as if i have committed the most egregious crime against humanity, but the only problem is...I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I DID. interestingly enough, the same thing is happening with whitney on the other coast. i have hypothesised that there must be "hate me" signs on our backs that are visible to everyone but us. that's the only logical reason. NONE of XELA's friends will talk to me, even though i have been nothing but nice to them, the kids i usually hang out with act as if i'm not even there, and the kids on my hall only want to speak to my roommate. i don't understand what's going on. i have gone out of my way to be more talkative, even to the point to saying hello first. i help people with their homework if they need it, and i let people bum cigarettes off me whenever they need it and i have a pack. i have been genial to the point where it's beginning to make me sick. even Genji won't hang out with me much anymore. i really don't get it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

"Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be revealed

Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so"
Sarah McLachlan--"Fallen"

sums up everything nicely, doesn't it?

i seem to be getting weird looks from everyone, yet again. especially from kids on my hall and XELA's friends. just when i thought i was FINALLY becoming cool...well, just barely, but cool enough for my purposes. heu eheu...i guess not.

and today at lunch...WTF was that? i ordered my sandwich at the Grove House just like i do almost everyday and sit at a table, working on a puzzle. i wait about half an hour for my food, which is already a bit long for a sandwich and a drink, so i go to the pick-up counter and ask for my drink. one of the kids (my roomie, actually) calls to someone else for my limeade. i look the the right and see my sandwich in the process of being made. i think, "hm...it should probably be a couple minutes more..." and go back to my seat, content with the 1000 piece puzzle before me. after 10 more minutes, i go back to the counter, after seeing people who ordered AFTER me pick up their food. the sandwich and drink are nowhere in sight. my name was never called. what the fuck happened to my food? it seriously vanished into thin air, to unfortunately resort to the cliche. the good thing was i got my money back AND another sandwich and a large drink...but don't think that was all good. the woman who is in charge of the Grove House asked what type of drink i wanted, and i said i wanted another limeade. instead she asked if i wanted juice, like pineapple or orange. i replied that i didn't like pineapple juice very much. in like 2 seconds she hands me a cup and i take a sip. and what is in the cup? PINEAPPLE JUICE. i was done for the day. i just ate my sandwich, worked on the puzzle, tried to down the juice, and got the hell out of there. this would happen only to me. ONLY ME. i'm thinking to myself that nothing much worse could happen today...but i know better.

today...SKINS vs. BUCS. what a thrashing. 35-13? i mean, COME ON. this is ridiculous. we have gone from 2-0 to 3-3. we need to STEP UP...it's GAME TIME, not "let's get our asses kicked" time. OY.

ah, so i talked to XELA again yesterday. YAY! it was...an INTERESTING conversation, and not because of the topic...heh...

otherwise, it's been a boring weekend. i missed the world cup match because i couldn't find my ride even though i'd been looking for him for 2 hours, and i missed a party to which i promised this kid i would come. it was her birthday party, no less. OOPS. i'll have to call and apologise...

PY drove all the way from Houston to hang out with Paul and me...and he never slept on the way here...24 hours...wow. i love that kid.

midterms are over. GOOD TIMES. but i still have so much work to do...DAMN YOU, GOD OF PROCRASTINATION! ah...must...work...

i slept through two of my three classes today...not so good. one of them was a lab, too. eek. i'll have to get data from someone then...and what was worse, i actually went to my freshman seminar to collect soil samples from different areas in the neighboring cities of Claremont...and it turned out that the class was optional. i missed a discussion about the Laramie Project, which all freshman seminars were supposed to go to today, in order to COLLECT DIRT. my prof. didn't think the lecture was necessary to our seminar (even though every froshie was required to read the book) so he scheduled soil sampling instead. GREAT.

on the up side...it was fun to drive around So Cal. none of the houses are made of brick. NONE. it's all stucco and vinyl siding and whatnot. and the designs are really different, too. they're cool to look at. talking to the other kids wasn't so bad either...

now all i can do is wait for tomorrow for my bio midterm results...and watch the Yankees/Red Sox game.

hm...XELA's quite the character. WAY more talkative than i thought, and consequently, less intriguing. sad, i know. we ended up hanging out with some other kids until the Art Collective meeting. i'm not creative AT ALL, so i found no reason to tag along. XELA's true nature may have to be investigated further...

OMG Genji is my new best friend. he somehow, when i was in a low mood after the phone conversation, "accidentally" bumped into XELA and started talking. he had called me beforehand to come downstairs, so i think this was definitely predetermined. when i walked downstairs, i heard their voices and started freaking out. so i decided to "play it cool" and walk past them and outside to have a cigarette. that's when Genji called out, "HEY OLUCHI!" and i wheeled around to face him. i made some lame excuse that i was going to go smoke while blatantly just standing at the door. he talked to XELA and me for a bit, and then conveniently just HAD to do laundry. that bastard...:) so i ended up talking to XELA for like 3 minutes...great, huh? AND we're gonna hang out later tonight. man, that lucky cigarette thing DOES work...heheh.

OH MAN. that did not go so well. why am i SO awkward? i pretty much just got shafted by XELA...ouch. i think i may have to step it up a notch...or just back off. :( on another note...my bio midterm was AWESOME. my grade seems pretty promising...

okay kids. today is THE DAY. the day when i talk to XELA for more than 35 seconds. so...wish me luck!

FUCKING A. some kids down the hall were "concerned" when i didn't show up two nights ago. BIG FUCKING DEAL. i have left them before and come back later; no one gave a shit. isn't it interesting that the same kids who wouldn't even acknowledge my presence a few weeks ago are the same ones who are now "concerned"? i think that's pretty fucking interesting myself. I'M SORRY, MOMMY, THAT I DIDN'T CALL EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR TO CHECK IN. I'M SORRY THAT I DECIDED TO STAY OVER AT A FRIEND'S DORM IN THE SAME FUCKING BUILDING AND WATCH MOVIES AND TV UNTIL THE SUN CAME UP. I'M SORRY THAT I FELL ASLEEP, WOKE UP, AND WATCHED FOOTBALL. I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T CALL ANYONE WHEN I GOT BACK THE NEXT DAY EVEN THOUGH IF YOU REALLY CARED ENOUGH, YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN MY CELL PHONE NUMBER WEEKS AGO OR FROM A CERTAIN KID IN THE HALL WHOM YOU DEEM IS TOO "WEIRD" TO SPEAK TO. I'M SORRY THAT I DON'T STICK TO YOU LIKE GLUE AND GO EVERYWHERE YOU WANT TO EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NEVER BEEN INVITED TO ANY OF YOUR LITTLE "PARTIES". I'M SORRY THAT I DON'T FIND ANY OF YOUR WHINY CHATTER ENTERTAINING AND MUST LEAVE TO KEEP MY SANITY. I'M FUCKING SORRY. i don't think even seeing XELA will make me happy now.

SHIT. the skins lost, 25-27. happiness level at a low. XELA better say hi to me today...

SKINS GAME TODAY...vs the EAGLES...whoo...we need to kick some ass today. and my bio midterm is tonight...7-9. who schedules midterms on a SUNDAY??? oy. i need to review. currently i am on a quest to find someone EVEN MORE BITTER than i am. so far i have found no one. is there no kindred spirit with whom to revel in others misfortunes and blather about the insignificance of the string of experiences which we call life? where are you, oh outcast, misfit, societal by-product? WHERE ARE YOU???

on a happier note...XELA said hi to me last night! YAY!

XELA said hi to me first! feeling a little better...man...three posts today...kinda crazy...

A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there.

story of my life. enough said.

it's raining. in Southern California. RAINING. and by rain i mean that annoying misty shit that can't even be called drizzle because it's too fucking light. so it's just grey, "cold", and downright depressing. OY. but i did find my ID card and made it to class. and WHERE was this ID, you ask? under my bed. under my FUCKING bed. i tore through my room three times, checked my bed, rooted through the trash and even CHECKED THE REFRIGERATOR (see if you can find the allusion to that. it's kind of obscure), but no. it was UNDER MY BED. i think it's time for a cigarette.

okay, today just sux0r. i've been sick since monday, missed classes becasuse i JUST CAN'T WAKE UP, and when i think i'm getting better, passed out all day because i just can't expend any energy. i stayed up nearly ALL NIGHT studying for my cognitive neuroscience exam to the point where i could visualise parts of the brain and identify them, which was probably not the best idea because i was tired as fuck. and when i looked dead at about 3:50 AM, my friend told me to go to bed but set my alarm for three hours later so as not to begin REM sleep. so that's what i did. 6:50 AM my alarm went off, and i was fine...for all of 5 minutes. i fell asleep again and woke up about every 40 minutes until...OOPS! IT'S 9:42 AND MY EXAM STARTED AT 9:35!!! i tried to hurry out as quickly as i could, head pounding and hacking violently every minute or so, shoving my notebook into my megatokyo ^_^ yakpak, hastily putting a sweathshirt over my head, searching for my ID card for all of two seconds, and shuffling out the door. it was a foggy morning. (nice foreshadowing, ne?) i was so out of it that i didn't pay attention to the cars as i was crossing the street and almost got hit. nice. i walked (or more accurately, trudged) into the classroom, red-eyed and dishevelled as all hell. the professor took one look at me and was like, "go back to bed. take the exam next week." just like that. that was pretty much the highlight of my day. i turned right around and staggered back to my dorm, only to conk out again on my bed. my roommate woke me up for my next class (which happened to be at 1:15 PM). it was a nice gesture, but it turned out to be completely useless. i arrived in latin class barely coherent and eyes half-open and stayed that way throughout class. i didn't even bother to translate. after that total embarrassment, i didn't even make the effort to leave my room again and completely missed my seminar. good times.

to make good times even better, it turned out i really did lose my ID card. i had put it in my almost empty pack of camel filters and smoked my lucky cigarette at the optimal time of 3:45 in the AM. yeah, i guess that cigarette was not so lucky. that's the last time i remember having it. i tore through everything in my room, most likely pissing the hell out of my roommate, called the kid with whom i had been at the time, and even went back to the trash can in which i had thrown the empty pack. i found the pack, but not the card. sweet, yeah? i think so. $25 down the drain.

but on an ACTUAL good note, XELA actually knows whom i am! as in my name and whatnot! (for those of you who do not know about XELA, and that is probably all except four, too bad. you'll have to IM me for the info.) so i'd been working on my PLAN OF ACTION (courtesy whitney) for about 2 1/2 weeks and getting absolutely nowhere, not even to the point of having a legitimate conversation. i finally told my friend Genji (aka All Night Long. inside joke. don't ask.) about XELA, and it turned out the All-Nighter knew and even had a class with the kid! so Genji called XELA today to come to Starbucks with us and was like, "by the way, do you know Oluchi?" XELA said yes! how great is that? i'm not invisible! wooHOO! XELA unfortunately ended up not going to Starbucks because there was a paper to be written and much studying to be done, so it was just Genji, me, and this other kid named David who is cool but talks way too fucking much sometimes. oy. and i have written way too fucking much, so...i'm out.